I only vaguely remember being nine years old.
It was the end of the 1970s. I was at primary school, although they called it junior school then.
Lucky enough to be happy and secure in my home life, I had no worries to speak of. At least, none more traumatic than having to share a bedroom with my sister (which I was in any case used to, and never really minded).
Nor any issues to deal with more pressing than which sweets to buy with my pocket money that week.
I lived, with my mum, dad, sister and nanna (dad’s widowed mother) in a smallish suburban house.
Life felt comfortable, perhaps verging on the dull. Nothing much happened.
I felt happy and I felt immortal. At nine years old, there was nothing to challenge that feeling. As nothing should.
So how do I, knowing all this, explain death to a nine year old?
My nine year old.
Who loves his Grandpa hugely, because he always had time for him. Who, last night, after he was in bed, lost his Grandpa, his last remaining grandparent, to the cruel disease that is cancer.
Who does not yet know this.
If I have been a little tardy in my blogging over the past few days, it is because I knew this moment was approaching. It has been constantly on my mind. It pales all else into triviality.
We had spoken of illness and what was to come, but now it has come. And I must find the words.
I will just have to try to deal with it in the same way I try to deal with parenting generally.
To be honest. To be loving. To be kind.
And to be there when he needs me.
So sorry for your loss. Bodies just stop working; what his grandfather’s given him and means to him – and you – will go on and on though. Keep talking about him and be sad and be happy together. Sarah
So sorry for your family at this sad time. I’m sure you will be there for him with sensitivity and love. That’s all any of us can do. Thinking of you all. xxx
Sorry to hear this and sending you much love and support. We lost my Granny a couple of years ago and we had to go up and down to Scotland every weekend for a couple of months all the time knowing we were going to lose her. It’s so hard on everyone, but at least when they pass they are at last not suffering from such a wicked disease. That’s how I approached it with my Boy and now we try to raise money for MacMillan Cancer Support, so he knows he’s helping to honour his Granny. x
So sorry to hear of your loss. You know your son best, and you know how to talk to him already. It wont be the easiest conversation, but you will both be fine. In my experience children are often more resilient around loss than adults are – he will need to understand it in his own terms, and so will need to be able to ask questions, and may need to ask them a number of times to find a way to make sense of it in his head. Let him cry, if crying is his thing, and let him know that you are sad too, and being sad is completely normal and ok. Talk about Grandpa, just as you used to, share memories, refer to Grandpa in conversation over the coming months and years and let your son continue to have him in his life in whatever way he wishes (photos, objects, conversations, family jokes etc). With openness and honesty and answers for his questions, he will be able to assimilate this new version of ‘how things are’. I wish you well, it is a sign of your love for him, that you are seeking support in how best to support your boy. You will be fine.
I could not read this and run. My mum died suddenly on Christmas Day two years ago and although my boys were much younger that your son I wrote a blog post about dealing with death in children http://www.muminthemadhouse.com/2011/01/18/helping-children-deal-with-the-death-of-a-loved-one/
I would say that children are very perceptive and they understand much more than we think they do and also they deal with things in a much more straight forward way.
There has been a lot of reassurance that we are not going to die just yet needed, but we have all grieved together.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Hi,
I’m so sorry for your loss…..it’s tough having to explain such sad times to children.
My Grandfather passed away just over a year ago, my Daughter was nearly 4 at the time, not old enough to understand as much as your son will but old enough to realise he was no longer around which obviously led to lots of questions.
I hope you manage to find the right words.
Best wishes to you all
Amanda
Yes, you knew this was approaching, still doesn’t really help though, does it?!
Just be honest, loving and supportive. They cope better with death than I think we do, it’s part of life. Where better to experience it, than in a loving family, where you will be given the time to ask questions, given cuddles when you need them and be able to talk about and celebrate the life that’s gone. Take care, I will be thinking of you x x x
So, so sorry for your sad loss … you will find the words because you know your little one best of all … be strong … children are resilient … and will cope better than we imagine … Grandpa will live on in your little boy’s memories … remember him often … thinking of you all … Bee xx
Thank you to everyone for all of your sympathetic, lovely and helpful comments. The necessary information has now been conveyed; I kept it brief but loving. There were tears. We are spending a quiet day at home together.
I will leave you with a fantastic photograph of Grandpa, taken in 1972 when he was aged 32. I can see where my partner gets his good looks. 🙂
Hello Modflowers, I’m sorry to hear of your loss, but so beautifully expressed. I’ve been following you for a bit but only just worked out how to make comments on a wordpress blog, I’ve infiltrated over from blogspot…
Oh such a beautiful picture. I’m so sorry for your family’s loss, for having to try to explain life to a 9 year old. God bless you all, I know there are really no particular words that will create a balm, but know that you are cherished and we are all feeling for you, for your loss & trying to be there for others as well as be consoled for yourself. Grief is so overwhelming. And hurts for such a time. Hugs to you.
I’m so sorry for your loss… Big hugs, Col x
I am so so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you all.
Beautifully written you have had me in tears.
Xx
I am so sorry for your loss. So hard for a nine year old to understand. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Beth
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Grandad s are so special when you are children but I think conveying all the beautiful memories are important and remembering all the good times spent together. When your son was visiting me he spoke about his Grandad and said he gives me lovely cuddles ,which to me said everything about his relationship with his special grandad.Grandad’s life will continue on through his children and grandchildren.Fay.
I’ve been away and well behind on reading. So sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are all taking care of each other. We were together in the house the night my mother in law died after a long battle with breast cancer. There are no rules to help us talk this through with our children, but that’s what we did. Talk and remember. It’s been a few years and we still do. Be well.
Thank you Sue x
I’m so sorry to read this post. We had a similar situation a few weeks ago (when my Mum passed away, also due to cancer, only a few weeks after diagnosis). It always amazed me how resilient children are and how much they appreciate open, honest conversation. I do hope your son and your family are doing OK. Beth
I am so sorry to hear of your loss Beth. My parents both died a few years back, so I know how it feels. It does get easier over time. For us too, it is all still very raw. The funeral was on Monday. My partner is struggling at the moment and my son is also very sad. He brought home a soft toy, George the Gorilla, who always used to sit on Grandpa’s bed. George has been very well hugged over the past few days (despite the fact that he sheds ginger fur everywhere); I think he’s getting all the hugs that would have gone to Grandpa.
Oddly, we did the same, I brought back the boys teddies that ‘lived’ at Grandma’s house when we cleared it out a couple of weeks ago and they are also cuddled a lot. My Dad died when I was 13, so I have that perspective as well ie the one from the child’s point of view and I remember the thing I hated most was being patronised so we have tried very hard to be open and honest with the boys, who understand perfectly what has happened (I’m not mad keen in the idea that children ‘don’t understand’ as I think they do, my brother was 9). All my thoughts are with you, your husband and son, I hope it is easier to bear, in time. Bethx